Monday 6 April 2015

Look for the girl with the broken smile

It's hard to let go especially since I know I am so close. The hard part about it is not knowing where I've gone wrong. But what could I do except to keep moving forward, to never look back and dwell in the past. I've given my all but it's never enough. It never was. I crave for more than doing what's best for me in this pragmatic society. I knew the risks. Regrets? Yes. Of course. I wished I was stronger. I wished I could be successful and achieve one with the other. But I couldn't help feeling lethargic. I felt like a fish out of water. Every ritualistic mundane day was draining; I was motionless, running on auto-pilot. The things keeping me going were the ones they asked me to stop doing.

"It's useless." 

Indeed it was.

I tried to prove them wrong but I wasn't strong enough. I want to prove my self-worth so badly but I have to wait. To wait for others to be ahead of me before I could.

I didn't dare to speak. How could I when others are doing better. I didn't know what I was capable of at all. While others were focused I was busy trying to find myself in this hectic mess. I stepped up but it was never good enough. If they don't slap on a title on you - it didn't happen - you didn't made it happen. You made a difference but it's not your glory and it never will be. You try to explain yourself and all they could give you were reluctant replies.

Now here I am. Neither gifted at this nor seasoned with that. What more could I do but continue to work towards my dreams. To keep moving forward. To have the mental strength to not lower the bar when people tell me to. Am I not capable of raising my standards?

"She is too distracted."

"She day dreams too much."

I've got my head in the clouds and it may be misty at times but I've never lost sight of what I wanted. Time and time again I did things people thought I couldn't. It made me bold, it made me want to do more than I could handle. I wasn't practical. I never was.

Unbearable mornings, sleepless nights.

People stroll pass, life goes on.