Monday 18 April 2016

Why don't you be you and I'll be me

When I just turned 19 I couldn't wait for 2016 to arrive.

There were so many things to look forward to and I was more than excited to get my life started at 19.

But 2016 was a test for me, a test to see if I could survive on my own.

There were times where I felt I was in a stage of dilemma and I didn't know what to do about it. There was a knot in my heart which I could not unravel - everything on the surface were fine but deep in my heart, cracks were forming.

I concealed the cracks with delusion.

I did not want to be honest with myself because I thought I could never live with the consequences. I was afraid that I would fall apart.

And I did.

I couldn't feel myself and that has been my excuse for being incompetent. I threw myself a pity party which lasted for weeks and I indulged myself with self-lament and relished in it. Hating myself just felt like the easier option.

My soul felt like it shattered into pieces and I truly believed that I could never be whole again. For days I tried to pick myself up and glue the shards of myself together, but tears aren't exactly the best adhesive.

A month has passed.

When I look back at the ordeal, I heave a sigh because it does get better. 

I learned that love could take you to wonderful places and milestones in life. At the same time, you could voluntarily carve off parts of yourself just to fit into the mould of the other - all in the name of love.

I have nothing to be sorry and I am darn proud of the person I am and the person I am growing to be.

I've always known that these two distinct happiness could not co-exist but I still tried, thinking that as long as I am trying and truthful, all will turn out well. 

But sometimes love just isn't enough.

I let the feathers of my wings fall and instead of soaring I settled for walking (at a rather slow pace I might add) because I thought it was the kind of happiness I needed. I was forced to have the courage to be a fighter once more, and for someone to see me as the person I truly am. 

The truth is I was enough, but I was more than enough and you never had the capacity to embrace me.

Thank you for giving me a shot at finally being myself again.