"Women always have something to lose, while men don't."
Growing up, I can't begin to fathom the number of people who preached this – my mom, some friends and even my ex-boyfriend have said this to me. I can never wrap my head around it because news flash: women enjoy sex, women masturbate and women have the itch too. Other than feigning orgasm while having sex with men, just what are women losing?
The notion that women is at a disadvantageous end in a sexual relationship is gravely flawed because it glorifies our virginity which is often intertwined with our self-worth and identity. As if losing it makes us less of a person, that we are conquered by the opposite sex which further perpetuates our gender as submissive and weak when we want sex too. This mindset is toxic and is prevalent in the Asian society.
We are told that we should not dress provocatively (read: no cleavage, nothing above the knee), that we should not dress for attention because it is natural for men to want to violate and fantasise about women. It is believed that men yield no power over their lustful nature which leaves men a menace to women. Our society normalises the animalistic instincts in men – that it is God given, and as females, it is our responsiblity to not poke the bear. Albeit with varying intensities, libido exists in all genders but it manifests in the nastiest way possible in a fraction of men from "harmless" verbal objectification of women to rape. Has society regressed to a stage where the brawny gender prevails? It is ironic that women are thought of as the weaker sex when it is perceived that men succumb to anything, even a slight gentle breeze.
I was also told that it is 'social etiquette' for a woman to cover her cleavage when she bends forward and that no one wants to see that in their face (yes, the things Asian men complain about, it's wild). I hereby officially convene a meeting with the Chairperson of the Social Etiquette Association for Prudes (seems pretty legitimate when italicised), to question the validity and the importance of this social law. Gasps why are my God-given breasts blasphemous for the eyes?
"There is a time and place where cleavages are allowed, for example, the beach", he mansplains. To which I retorted, what is the God damn difference? Apart from the corporate workplace, is it possible that breasts mutate to be vulgar in various settings? Might it be that cleavages are expected at the beach but anywhere else it causes distress and alarm? If you are not having fun in the sun, you better have the social etiquette to announce the arrival of your girl(s) or cover up politely when you bend forward, because despite all the porn, men do not want to be starred in the Attack of the Boobies.
I say fuck that. To hell with more social constructs.
"If you can't be comfortable with how comfortable I am with my body, you can get out of my life."
I never knew how toxic it was when I was constantly embroiled in such arguments – that when I wear sexy clothes I am asking for men to sexualise and violate me, and it is my fault if misfortunes were to dawn on me. When I don't agree with such conservative (offensive) views, I'm viewed as a free-spirit or a hippie unravelling away from the Asian cultural fabric, akin to strangers giving me the side eye because someone drew a penis on my forehead when I was passed out drunk. My views are categorised as avant-garde when all I'm advocating for is to focus on the root cause: aggressors. Victim self-blame ensues from the heavy emphasis on what the victim was wearing, where the victim was and what the victim was doing, which to me, is ludicrous. Dictating what the victim does in the name of safety only encourages more self-blame when in fact, there is nothing they could have done to prevent an attack. Why are aggressors not held accountable to what they do or what they say?
"You must think of other women this way, that's why you feel that all men will fantasise and violate women."
"Oh God no, these are just conversations that my male friends have."
A prime example of how the victim has to shoulder the responsibility of not inviting an attack. If the safety of women is a concern, why not put a stop to these conversations with your male counterparts? Somehow the logical solution is to control how a woman dress and urge her to censor parts of her body which only normalises the culture of "men are just like that". The rise of chat groups such as the 'Burning Sun Scandal' in South Korea and 'SG Nasi Lemak' in Singapore (now defunct but I'm sure many other chat groups have since taken its place) where men exchange and debase photographs or videos of women without consent, are rampant. The shared content are not entirely explicit as most men in these groups love a certain genre of fantasy that is perfectly encapsulated in the saying, "lady in the streets, whore in the sheets". It didn't matter what these women or underaged girls were wearing. Sometimes the more modest the better as it gave more room for lewd imagination and lecherous comments. Having such conversations, even for the fun of it, inevitably bolster the mindset that men cannot be educated and women are naught but a subject of objectification who are undeserving of any respect. If not stopped, the existance of such pernicious communities becomes a societal norm which encourages men to act upon their carnal desires with force.
I'll say it louder for the people at the back: The problem is never with what the victim was wearing. If I take my wallet out in public, I'm not asking to be robbed either because what is mine is not for others to take. It is time that we spotlight aggressors and stop victim-shaming. If you are one who is uncomfortable with how comfortable someone is with their body, you can keep your bigotry because we are not the problem. Stop fuelling the rape culture by saying "don't get raped". If you are a male who truly cares about the well-being of females around you, start with the root cause and put an end to all conversations and actions that contribute to rape culture.
Women, hear me out. Men who ask you to cover up "for your own good" do it because you seem like easy territory to reign over in contrast to having a real conversation with his chauvinistic buddies (read: pigs). If such a male figure exists in your life, give him the good ol' flip off because women are not the easier gender to manipulate. I would have done it a lot earlier if I knew that under the mask of care and concern is a mere coward trying to put a band-aid over a gashing wound and then wondering why it wouldn't stick – pathetic and useless.
I'm not entirely mad at this man who tried to change my views with his traditional beliefs because many men and even some women like him, are products of societal indoctrination. They truly believe that this is how they should care for women around them even though it is irrational because again, say it with me: women have no control over an attack. Upon reading this one might go, "ugh, here we go again, another woke feminist" and that I'm blowing things out of proportion but I urge you to give the labels a rest and read this a couple of times to truly understand how our attitudes exacerbate rape culture.
Exasperated, he says, "Is it really that hard to just cover up just in case?"
Then I'm curious. What do you say to rape victims who were decently dressed? What do you say to women in Muslim countries? What do you say to the women who were filmed in bath rooms without their knowledge?
Then I'm curious. What do you say to rape victims who were decently dressed? What do you say to women in Muslim countries? What do you say to the women who were filmed in bath rooms without their knowledge?
What do you say to these women?
